I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
