I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
