i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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