Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
