I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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