fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
