How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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