Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
no you cant smoke seaweed
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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