seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
