Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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