The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Tell her she can't have a vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
