You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
