i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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