I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
