I can text with my tongue
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
