Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
