I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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