you turned your livingroom into a bong?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
