If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
