ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
