Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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