I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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