Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
