i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
