Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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