If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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