that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
