I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
