You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
