i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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