I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
