I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
