can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
