oh god the rape fog is back!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
