Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
