Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
