3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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