i need an iv and a liver transplant
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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