I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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