Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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