Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
