Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
