new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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