He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just want nice things and good sex
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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