I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
