He uses pillows to masturbate.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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