the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
