It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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