someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
