Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
