Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
